Are You Sharing or Over-Sharing?

Are You Sharing or Over-Sharing?

Are You Sharing or Over-Sharing?

I am by nature a sharer, and am delighted, for example, when people help themselves to food on my plate. As far as I’m concerned, few things are more enjoyable alone than in a group.

I am happy to be shared with too. Tell me your secrets, your deepest desires and longings, your worst regrets, your unscriptable shames and I will not flinch. I have also learned not to judge – though it’s taken twenty years of deep personal and spiritual work to get here. I have also made a career out of sharing – my mistakes, my personal failures, the errors of my heart – in writing, with tens, sometimes hundreds of thousands of people.

But then along came Facebook. And a whole new era of sharing has begun:

‘If you don’t copy and share this on your wall, it means you don’t care about me…’

‘I’ve just received the worst news but I can’t tell talk about it now…’

‘Tell me how we met otherwise you’re not a real friend…’

‘I just ate breakfast. Look, eggs benedict.’

 

The 7 Day Writing Challenge

WINGS: Words Inspire, Nourish and Grow the Spirit

 

What used to be a form of intimacy, a method of drawing people in and connecting, has become a form of exhibitionism and attention-seeking, over things that – let’s be real – don’t warrant our attention, or not the kind of attention someone scrolling through their Facebook feed is able to give. This kind of over-sharing does the opposite of what real sharing does – it pushes people away, when actually, what the sharer probably needs is a hug in flesh-‘n-blood arms.

When we ‘put ourselves out there’ – whether on social media or in our writing, we need to assess what we want to share, and more importantly, what is necessary to share. Necessary to what? To the story. To the purpose of our communication.

Sharing ought not to burden our reader. It should never make us more vulnerable than we can cope with (social media invites unsolicited and often uncaring feedback). It should always be in service to something larger than our own loneliness, sorrow or grief. It should be invitation to engage. It should offer our reader a bridge into his or her own experience.

When we share, we open our hearts. Self-indulgent misery is best kept private (on the pages in which we bare our soul). But as soon as we go public, we need to ensure it’s not an open invitation to every troll with nothing better to do than judge, condemn or feel sorry for us.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

Prayers For

Prayers For The singing whale, oblivious to our wonderthe ones left behindthe little ones whose world has gonethe books no-one will get to readthe weary moon wary of the spotlightthe snug earth around the buried bonesthose who have nowhere to gothe tiny country hated...

Paths Are Made by Walking

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How to Avoid Valentine’s Day Disappointment

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A Loveline to Celebrate the Thread That Has Woven You Here

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What Would Happen If You Just Stopped?

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Can I Show You How to Begin?

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The Dynamics of Manifestation… I Get It Now

The Dynamics of Manifestation… I Get It Now

The Dynamics of Manifestation… I Get It Now

A couple of years ago, I wrote a book to help other writers get their story into the world called Your Story: how to write it so others will want to read it. My aim for it was modest – I was going to self publish it, and it would be a gift to the writers I mentor and a few on my mailing list who would like to come on retreat with me, but can’t for some reason.

My agent in France read the book, liked it and offered to try find a publisher.

‘I’m only interested in Hay House in America,’ I told him. ‘And I’m not waiting two years – it has to come out next year.’

This was a cheeky conversation, because despite at least three attempts (including a trip to the US in 2008 to try and secure a US literary agent), I haven’t been able to get my books into America. In fact, a few years ago, I completely let go of the American dream. As authors, we imagine that someday we’re going to be ‘discovered.’ That a publisher will swoop down and rescue us. We will be the next J. K. Rowling. But we grow up. We realise no-one is coming to save us, and that we’re in charge of our own destinies.

 

Your Story - How to write it so others will read it - out now

In this no-excuses book, written for aspiring writers and emerging authors, Joanne Fedler shares her original techniques, frameworks and strategies for life writing to ensure that your story connects with readers and doesn’t bore them to switch to Facebook scrolling.

In the spirit of mature making-my-own-shit-happen, I went ahead and invested a huge amount of money into self publication and I didn’t care if I didn’t make it back, as long as the book got into the hands of a few people and helped them figure out how to write their stories.

So here’s how the Universe works: on the same day on which I paid the last installment on the book, my agent came back to me with the news that Hay House in the US had made an offer to buy the rights to the book.

This is exciting news. Not just for me, but for all of us. Because of what it’s revealed about how the algorithm of manifestation works: we have to be 100% committed to ourselves, and we have to be 100% unattached to the outcome. And if the universe plays favourites, it picks what we offer in service to others, over what’s driven by ego.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

Is the Black Dog Jewish

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It’s not under the pile of unopened mail.

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How the Scariest Moment of My Life Reminded Me I Am Safe

How the Scariest Moment of My Life Reminded Me I Am Safe

How the Scariest Moment of My Life Reminded Me I Am Safe

It was 2am on the second night of my recent visit to South Africa and I was wide awake with jetlag. I trundled down the stairs of my parents’ home, made myself a cup of coffee, called my husband in Australia, checked my emails and called my friend Katrina to discuss logistics for our upcoming writing retreat in Fiji.

I was lying on the couch in the living room, chatting to her, when I thought I heard noises outside. I casually went to the window to look outside, when a black gloved hand emerged from outside and moved the curtains aside.

The thunder of adrenalin. Deafening terror. Falling over a footstool. Racing upstairs, yelling, ‘Someone’s trying to get into the house!’

I ran to the room where my daughter was sleeping and barricaded my body against the door. My mother raised the alarm. The security company arrived. The intruder had fled.

Then, the aftermath. My parents upgraded their security. Now, the drama. The body memory. The tortuous loop of ‘what if’s?’
What if I hadn’t been there to alert my parents?
What if I hadn’t been awake with jetlag?
What if I hadn’t been downstairs talking to Katrina?

 

The 7 Day Writing Challenge

WINGS: Words Inspire, Nourish and Grow the Spirit

 

And now, the retelling.

It’s hard to escape that this is a story about The Scariest Moment of My Life. The cold horror of that black-gloved hand has still not left me.

But each time I tell the story, I realise I have a choice.

I can make this a story about the crime in South Africa. Or the need for better vigilance and security. Or luck (how fortunate it was that I was awake). Or coincidence (my parents have never before had an intruder try to break in and I visit once a year). Or how our fear (mine of violence) forces us to face it head-on.

Facts themselves have no inherent meaning. We make whatever meaning we want out of the stories of our lives. In that way, our consciousness determines our experience, not the other way around. As my friend Sherill says, ‘The pain is in the frame.’ Or to draw from the beautiful E.E. Cummings poem, we can insist our narratives belong in places of love and worlds of yes.

So I choose to frame this as a story about being in the right place at the right time. It’s not about being haunted and hunted, but about grace and guidance. That hand which emerged from the darkness has oddly bestowed on me the deep peace that comes with the knowledge that absolutely nothing in this life is random. It’s a blessed reminder that when I’m awake in my life, I am safe.

I hope you’re inspired to loop your dark moments into arrows of light, and to recall that love is a place from which you are never banished.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

What Your Reader Doesn’t Want to See

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Ageing Songlines

I find myself wondering more and more about her warning. Is it really obscene to grow old? I mean, what are a couple of white hairs, a bit of sagging skin, leathery arms and the odd stray facial hair? Really.

Writing Is Also About Erasing (On Editors)

Writing Is Also About Erasing (On Editors)

Writing Is Also About Erasing (On Editors)

Before I became a published author, I didn’t like editors. I couldn’t bear the thought of them, with their red pens and their pursed lips, their eyes like crabs across the page, just looking to pinch at my text with their editorial pincers. I used to be terrified of having my words taken away from me as if each one was a precious child. I also had this ego-thing going on – that this was my art, my work, my creativity, and how dare some editor make decisions about something so lofty, so magical and mystical? Looking back now at my inexperienced self, I can understand this fear, and even feel compassion at my editaphobia. See, editing brings up our deepest anxieties about being good enough and having to let go.

Here are five things I’ve learned about editing, which may change how you feel about the process:

Editorial feedback is not a comment on our self-worth

Our words often make us feel vulnerable and exposed – we all feel a little naked when our writing is handed over to someone else to look at. But as writers, there comes a point where we have to get over ourselves. Writers who become successful authors have to learn to differentiate between feedback on our writing and on who we are. If a piece of writing is rejected, we are not worthless. If our writing needs work, we are still worthy of love. Over-identification with our writing is a mismanagement of the boundaries between our work and ourselves. At some point we just have to understand that though we are fabulous, lovable and wonderful people, our writing may need some work.

Editors are our allies – they are our ‘good’ readers

A good editor is your ally – she is there to help you make the text the very best it can be. An editor has an advantage of not being so close to the text that she cannot see what ‘works’ and what ‘doesn’t work.’ An editor is looking through the eyes of the reader – sometimes as writers, we lose sight of the reader, and believe that everything we’ve written is relevant and interesting. The editor will look at what we’ve written in terms of whether it serves the story. Not everything that is important to the writer is necessarily serving the story. We need the editor’s eye because it is objective.

 

The 7 Day Writing Challenge

WINGS: Words Inspire, Nourish and Grow the Spirit

Editors help the text to breathe by making spaces for the readers’ interpretation

Many of us overwrite. We use too many words and clutter the text. This is not because we are bad people. All writers lapse into word litter. Sometimes, if we are able to exit the right writing brain and enter the left, analytical brain, we are able to do this kind of editing on our own writing. But it’s much easier to have someone do it for us.

Editorial feedback helps us prepare for horrible reviews

We all get them – on Amazon and Goodreads and peoples’ blogs. Reviews that are downright nasty, ratings that are mean and comments that are hurtful. Writers need to be tough. We will never please everyone out there. We have to find our market and write for that market. We have to find our tribe of readers and as long as they enjoy what we do. We cannot worry about what the trolls are saying.

Editing helps us to learn to let go

We are naturally attached to our writing, given how deep and hard we have had to work to produce it. But we cannot get precious about our writing – it’s just writing. What gets cut can be re-used. Our brilliance will return. Beautiful sentences will re-appear. Nothing is ‘lost’ when we let something go. Creativity is an endless self-generating fountain. We need to learn to trust that.

May all your erasures make space for what is still to come.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

How the Scariest Moment of My Life Reminded Me I Am Safe

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Are You Using Protection?

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What Writers Can Learn from a Cake Mix

What Writers Can Learn from a Cake Mix

What Writers Can Learn from a Cake Mix

In the 1950s, General Mills launched cake mix under the Betty Crocker brand. Everything was in powdered form. It was aimed at the busy housewife – all she had to do was add water and bake. But surprisingly, the cake mix didn’t sell. A team of psychologists was brought in to work out why the product just wasn’t appealing to customers. They determined that it was precisely the convenience that robbed consumers of the feeling that they were making a cake. It was too easy.

They decided to make the cake mix less convenient and revised the recipe so that to make the cake you now had to add an egg.

Sales soared.

This is a great lesson for writers.

When we craft our stories, we do not and should not spoonfeed a reader. We want to offer the reader most of the ingredients of our story, but we can and should leave gaps, where the reader has to ‘add an egg.’

The wonderful Israeli writer Nava Semel talks about leaving space in the text so that the reader’s soul map can interact with the text. She says this comes from learning how to delete and edit, so that our narrative is not stifling and dense, but suggestive, inviting the reader to interpret.

One way we can do this as writers is when we show, rather than tell. Instead of telling a reader ‘he was angry,’ we might write, ‘he clenched his fists, and the muscles in his jaw tightened.’ This way, a reader can decide what emotion is being expressed here without being directed to any particular emotion. This is how we open our writing to interpretation and by implication, to different interpretations.

Writing is always a dance between making ourselves understood, offering bridges to readers so they can follow us, but not mapping out their journey so entirely that we rob them of the satisfaction of ‘adding an egg.’

Leaving something out can be an act of generosity, an acknowledgement of the intelligence and sensitivity someone else might bring to the act of reading.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

What Is My ‘Writing Voice’ and How Do I Find Mine?

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Where the Fight Is Won or Lost

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Are You Using Protection?

Are You Using Protection?

Are You Using Protection?

In my early twenties, I went on a self-defence course, where I learned how to puncture someone’s Adam’s apple with a key and to perfect the knee-to-groin move should such unfriendly gestures be called for.

I swallowed little pills and purchased boxes of prophylactics lest too much fun lead too soon to too many nappies.

As I stopped caring about pleasing people, I learned deeper and more subtle forms of protection, like how to say no and even a few ‘f*ck off’s.’

I built fortresses around my dreams and only invited people into my life who didn’t drag their shit-laced footprints through the lounge room of my spirit.

As writers, we need to use protection. Here are some suggestions for how to practice safe writing:

  • claim some regular sacred writing time with a DO NOT DISTURB sign on your door;
  • have a sacred writing space which is yours and yours alone (including your own computer);
  • do not talk too much about what you’re writing about until it’s ‘ready’ (you’ll know when that is – it’s not right at the start);
  • invest time and money in getting support to finish your book;
  • do not ask your husband, wife, lover, friend, aunt or mother to read your manuscript and tell you what they think;
  • never, ever read negative reviews.

We protect our bodies, our hearts and our spirits when they’re under threat.

Our writing is an endangered species, which can so easily become extinct if we become blasé about its survival.

Care for it, shelter it. Do not let the world snatch it from you.

Joanne Fedler

Joanne Fedler

Author, writing mentor, retreat leader. I’m an internationally bestselling author of nine books, inspirational speaker and writing mentor. I’ve had books published in just about every genre- fiction, non-fiction, self-help, memoir – by some of the top publishing houses in the world. My books have sold over 650 000 copies and have been translated in a range of languages. Two of my books have been #1 Amazon bestsellers, and at one point the German edition of Secret Mothers’ Business outsold Harry Potter- crazy, right?

I Know What Stops You from Writing

    I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic And she said yes I asked her if it was okay to be short And she said it sure is I asked her if I could wear nail polish Or not wear nail polish And she said honey She calls me that sometimes She said you can...

6 Unexpected Gifts of Well-Being That Flow From Writing

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Vision Quest

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In Search of Words about Writing

What is it like to write? When I first discovered Dylan Thomas in my early teens, it unbolted a mayhem of yearning inside me. I knew only that I wanted to do that with language, to cause a rousing inside another, simply by the laying down of words in a particular...

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